Everything

Since Ems died I've been lost as to where the term 'good grief' must have come from. I just can't see anything good about grief.

Grieving for Ems has been so all-consuming. Just like my love for him was (is). I guess that's why grief is that way. The love doesn't just go away. It's there, oh wow is it still there, but he's not here for me to shower it on.

I miss Ems with everything I am.

I miss his look. I miss his cute, adorable face and tall, dark handsome looks, his individual dress sense & his 'this one's just for you' smile. I miss the way he looked at me and the cute sleepy face I'd see each morning.

I miss his smell. I miss the 'tuck your nose into that part where their neck joins their shoulder and inhale' smell. I miss the smell of his Nivea for men after-shave lotion (it doesn't smell the same in the bottle). I miss the way he'd smell my hair when he was cwtching me.

I miss his sound. The voice, the whispers, the laugh, the music, the song, the things he'd say, the way he said things, the enthusiastic 'mmmms' when I'd cooked a good meal, the jokes, the 'i love you's.

I miss his touch. Not just the intimate. The hand holding, him stroking my hair when I had a headache, me playing with his hair, the way we'd cling on to one another when we went for walks, the way he'd hold me.

I miss him in every sense and with every sense.

I miss telling him how much he means to me and how much I love him.

It's no wonder grief is so all consuming when love is so all consuming too. There is nothing good about grief except the love that existed to cause it.
Ems and I loved each other with everything we had. Those of you that have read the articles in the paper since the inquest will have seen one common phrase repeated throughout - "Blissfully happy" - that's what we were together.

All-consuming love sounds like such a dangerous place to be. It would be exceptionally so if it was one sided. You'd be consumed. But the extraordinary thing about being in all-consuming love with someone who is in all-consuming love with you back is that you never get consumed. You never get consumed because for everything you give, you're also getting. You don't give to get. It's not like you consciously receive something and then think that you want to do something back. It's not like you 'take turns'. You are both in this simultaneous state of giving everything you are to the other simply because you love them. The love you have for them holds them in such high esteem in your eyes that you want to be a better person just so you can please them even more. Yet, the security you have in the love they have for you leaves you completely free to be exactly you who are because you know they love you that way. True love is a phenomenal thing.

Be careful who you give your all-consuming love to, lest you get consumed. My heart was in very safe hands.

I miss everything about Ems and I miss Ems in everything. I miss sharing everything with him. I miss telling and showing him how much I love him as much as I miss hearing him say and show me his love.

Don't ever hold back from telling and showing those dear to you exactly what they mean to you. We were created in the image of a God who is love and were designed to give our love away. May we live with the pain of losing those we've loved with all our hearts rather than regrets that we held back.

'It is better to have loved and lost' has become so true in my experience. 'Better' is not always the painfree option, sometimes it leads to exceptional pain, but it's still better because of the love that never dies however much pain may come along after.
[Memory #7 the "hair drying" episode
This memory isn't a one off. It was something Ems did on many occasions and I miss it.
Ems & I shared a car to and from work and so would get up at the same time. Ems was always ready before me (it's a girl's right!). He'd be dressed and I was just starting to dry my hair.
For no particular reason one day he decided to sit behind and around me as I was drying my hair at the end of the bed. He held me as I dried my hair, getting the odd blast from the dryer. He just wanted a cuddle. He wanted to cuddle me. It became a regular morning habit of his. He'd just sit there and hold me. When I finished drying my hair I'd turn to hug him back and we'd head down for breakfast together.
Everytime I dry my hair I miss him. I miss his cuddles and the way I'd feel even warmer inside than my head did from the dryer.]

Truth

I've battled with whether to post on the subject I'm about to write about.

It has been the big question in my mind since Ems died, perhaps on your minds too.

The question. How Ems died.

Death isn't questionable. We'll all experience it one day and what lies beyond it. What has been questioned in my lovely boy's case is not the means of death but the cause of it.

I want to be sensitive in how I broach this subject because it is a sensitive subject. I know that full well having lived and experienced it for almost 2 months now.

Why is now the time to write about it? We had the inquest into Ems death on Thursday. Everything is now out in the open and finally we can stop asking questions and know what happened the night he died.

The verdict of the inquest: Ems' death was an accident.
The verdict of my heart and soul: Ems' death was an accident.

Why didn't I know this before?

Ems left this world for the next when a train hit him on the 30th November. That was the means of death.

At the time this was all we knew, along with the fact that Ems suffered with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This meant that for the first 5 weeks, it was assumed he'd taken his own life.

Most of you will fortunately not be able to imagine the horror of this. For those that can, I am sorry. I know how devastating it is.

From early on I knew that Ems had made no plans to take his life, that it would have been a momentary thing, that he was fine the last time I saw him (2 hours earlier) and that it would have been under the influence of the severe depression that could plague him from his SADs. Nothing could sway me on these facts.

However, as time went on and the coroner's officer conducted more research, facts emerged that raised the possibility that Ems' death could have been an accident.

Just under 8 weeks after his death, the facts presented at the inquest found it to be an accident. Information we had no idea of at the start proved critical.

To keep it simple, Ems had made his way across the line to a sewage works that was situated along side the line. This sewage works was one he was due to be responsible for redesigning in the coming month (he was a mechanical design engineer). It was on his way back across the line that he'd been hit by the train and made an attempt at diving out the way.

Truth.

Some things we never know the truth about. With others, just because we think there isn't more to know out there, doesn't mean there isn't.

I was convinced Ems' death would remain 'open verdict' in my mind till I left for heaven myself. At the start of the week I'd simply prayed that if I 'needed' to know, one way or the other, that it would be revealed somehow.

The questions that I'd had when I heard about his death suddenly made sense. It was an accident. He had no way of knowing what was ahead so of course he'd been fine when I last saw him. We didn't know anything about the sewage works at the start which of course gave the reasons for his death being where it was. It doesn't make the fact he's gone any easier, but it's one less question to worry over; a big question at that.

He was keen to get back to work and checking out the works on that full moon lit night would have actually left him feeling pretty good, having made constructive use of his time.

Ems didn't have more than a couple of seconds to know he was on the way to his death. It was a good job he was prepared.

Jesus once said 'You will know the truth and the truth will set you free'.

I think He was getting at something bigger than just situations like this, but the statement is nevertheless true whatever you know or think about Him.

Knowing the truth about something can set you free.
It can be painful sometimes and yet set you free from something infinitely more painful.

Other times knowing the truth brings freedom with solely positive benefits.

Some unanswered questions are also made bearable by the fact other things are set in stone.
Jesus described Himself as 'the truth'.

Ems knew the Truth. As a result, Ems knew who he was. He was free to be that person. Ems is now completely free.

For the questions you have that you don't have answers to, may you know the truth that leads to freedom. Where the truth cannot be found, may you know peace.

[Memory #6 The "hide and seek" episode
Ems always was full of surprises.
Friends know that it doesn't take much to make me jump. This 'low jump threshold' seems to lower even further as the night draws in and it gets dark outside.
I remember getting ready for Ems to pick me up one night. My parents were out and I was in the bathroom upstairs, beautifying myself for my beloved's arrival.
I thought I heard a car arrive but listened out for the door and heard nothing. The house was completely silent. A few minutes later I thought I'd better check and went to my bedroom (at the front of the house) to see if Ems' car was in fact there. I looked as far right as I could in front of the house but could see nothing. It was dark and there was no sign of any light.
I spent about 5 more minutes upstairs before heading downstairs to await his arrival. I switched a light on as I got to the bottom of the stairs but the area beyond it (near the front door) was dark.
As I walked forward, thinking myself to be all alone, all of sudden a loud roar sounded as Ems jumped out from behind an armchair. It scared me witless and I screamed my girliest ever scream - I have never jumped so much in all my life! Ems couldn't stop laughing while I genuinely thought my heart had stopped!
After I beat his chest a few times saying "don't you ever do that again" (he was still laughing), I started laughing too. Slowly I realised my fears which had caused me to jump in the first place were unfounded. It was only my lovely Ems, no one out to harm me.
In fact he almost got away with looking like the hero as he held me tight until my heart reached a normal rhythm again!
He used to laugh every time I repeated that story.]

Changing things (as sung by the man himself)

It's been a wordless few days. I insist on not forcing words out for this blog so I hope you'll forgive a few days silence from time to time. I started with a commitment to honesty and it will remain that way. Sometimes the words just don't come.

As I don't have anything of my own right now, I thought I'd allow someone else to say a few words...He's sung them for you.

I only found out that the following recording existed yesterday. It's Ems. Nobody else's words could go hand in hand with mine like his. I told you his life would still speak through my experience.

This is the last song he wrote, well the last one that got to the stage where he'd perform it (there were always hundreds swimming around his head). Ems had covered many genres of music in his time and this is one of his quiet acoustic songs. He and I wrote this together (i.e. I helped with a few of the lyrics*) to go with a message I was giving in church the following Sunday. Far more people will remember his song than they will any of the words I had to say...and many more will hear it now.

Music has power. Ems music told his story. One of Ems wise, insightful friends has commented on this since his passing. As one who'd known Ems far longer than I, he said something like 'before Ems found his faith, his music was his way of getting out his frustrations at life and at himself. Once he found faith, he didn't have those frustrations anymore and was free to just enjoy his music.'

Ems faith poured out through his music. Ems tells three stories in this song. The first is a woman who was desperate to have a child. The second is of a man who stood alone for his faith against everyone around him. The third is Ems own story.

Incidentally, this was just a rough recording he did so a friend of ours could learn the song to sing it with him. I didn't even know he'd recorded it till she brought it round yesterday (thank you so much - you know who you are). I've loved hearing it again.

I've put the music to some photos of Ems with his guitar. Don't let them distract you - he would hate to think any image had distracted you from the music itself! I've also pasted the lyrics below.

Prayer changes things. Never have I known that more than the past 8 weeks.




Lyrics to 'Prayer changes things' by Emrys Davies

Weeping & hungry. Downhearted & lonely.
Through water & fire, Her one desire, stays unfulfilled.
Childless & aching. Her tender heart breaking.
Yet through the tears, all of her fears, she gave to God.

Barren. Empty. Weeping. Hungry.

Prayer changes things
God changes things
Holy God
Rock like no other
He answered her prayer.

Full of faith, waiting. Alone for God, fighting.
His anticipation, to see his nation, open their eyes.
He readied the altar. His faith never faltered.
O how he yearned, for their hearts to turn, he called out to God.

Desperate. Grieving. Eager. Believing.

Prayer changes things
God changes things
O Lord our God
God of the fire
He answered his prayer.

Far away, longing, the wilderness calling.
I wandered confused, broken & used, I cried out to God.
The darkness surrounding. The silence resounding.
Alone on the floor, He opened the door, brought light as I prayed.

Desperate. Distant. Lost & defeated.

Prayer changes things
God changes things
Light in my darkness
Strength in my weakness

You answered my prayer

Prayer changes things
God changes things
He knows & hears us
Take it to Jesus
He’ll answer your prayer


[Memory #5 The 'Songwriting' episode

I don't think there are many moments that excelled the excitement of writing a song together. Both of us using our creative skills to bring something together for other people.

I'd muddled with poetry but had never written a song in my life before. Ems was a pro but said he always found the music easier than the words.

We worked together on the words. I left the music completely to him.

I still remember being amazed with what he'd come up with in a short space of time.
And by the time he came to play and sing the song to others, he'd developed it further.

There was nothing like seeing Ems singing his heart out. The fact I'd had a little part in this song he was passionately singing, naturally was a great joy for me too.

I'll always remember fondly the evening we spent writing this song together.]