A glimmer

Written yesterday as the emotion of the early hours flowed. A parting ode on the second anniversary of our beautiful day.

As night draws in, the pain intensifies. Like shadows, the dark makes everything bigger, darker, cloudier. Beware the night, the dark, the challenges it brings, and hurry to rest; remembering but a glimmer of light destroys darkness and though the night seems heavy, your candle may itself contain the glimmer that will the dark's destroyer be. Tomorrow is a new day and though the pain may linger, the morning light will come.

Fancy dress

There are times when you wonder how you managed to get yourself involved in things. This is one of those times. As part of our Red Nose Day fundraising at work I have succumbed / agreed / enthusiastically volunteered to dress up on Friday 18th March in something red and silly all day! Comic Relief is a fantastic cause, doing great work with needy people across the UK and Africa. If you would like to sponsor me and donate to the cause, every donation small or large can make a difference at http://my.rednoseday.com/redruthie

It doesn't seem that long ago that I struggled to get dressed in the mornings, making every effort to avoid wearing anything that would make people notice me, resistant to wear anything that Ems hadn't seen me in, or in fact to wear an outfit that didn't have at least one item of his clothing in it. I am grateful for the baby steps that have found me here.

The confidence is not all there. There are still occasions when I wear his coat for the comfort of knowing it is his and not solely because it fits me well. To dress in fancy dress is a major achievement for me, which though will likely be masked behind the loudness of the costume, will all the same, be something I am very aware of.

I remember silly, carefree days like the one in the photo above. Days when clothes were just clothes and we weren't worrying about fancy dress drawing any attention to us because we were so confident and free with one another. I remember Ems, the creative soul, bursting with ideas, and up for pretty much anything, and the confidence he gave me to the be the same. You remember the red jeans story right?!

Well while I'm currently nervous (understatement) about my first speaking engagement since Ems died taking place this Saturday (no fancy dress involved), I'm currently taking a pause from all things serious to remember the silliness often injected into our lives together and thought I'd share it with you. The photo above and the photos below follow various fancy dress occasions that we were involved in from various eras and seasons. I hope they bring a smile to your face too.

Don't forget, if you'd like to put a smile on someone else's face, donate to Comic Relief by sponsoring me for my first solo fancy dress attempt in years at http://my.rednoseday.com/redruthie
 
And as for the speaking engagement, I was never going to wake up one morning and feel 'ready' to speak again. So, like many things (more than anyone knows), this is a step of faith. If I wait till I feel perfect, the day will never come.
 
The reality is, we can't wait for the 'after' photos like you get in 'Weightwatchers' programmes before we step out. If we wait for the perfection waiting at the other end of our journey, we'll be too late. Was I feeling good when I set up this blog? Far from it! Is the message stronger from in the midst of the struggle? 
 
Hope is ours to share whatever our current status. If we have any light in our darkness, we have a duty to shine it.

I penned these words to a dear friend of Ems last night and they have sat with me ever since
'there is no less God in this path than in the path that brought alongside me that beautiful man to share 'life' with. I was no more deserving of that beauty than I am deserving of this pain. I am no less qualified to serve in the valley than I was on the mountain top. Brokenness is not a disqualification in the Kingdom of clay pots.'
 
Fancy dress for charity, speaking from brokenness to brokenness, 'little big things'.
Where will the next step of the journey lead?

Darkness

Sorry for the long absence. I had a week's 'break' in Cornwall with the family. The change of scenery was positive but there are some things I can't take a break from. Coming 'home' has been emotional - Ems was my home and he's not here.

I wrote this in my prayer diary last night and thought it'd make a true and honest blog entry. It might upset some people but it's real...

God, I hate this. I hate my life. There, I've said it. I do. I hate what my life has become. I hate him not being here. I do hate my life.

I loved Ems so much. I love him so much. The love isn't past tense even though his presence on earth is. I love him.

I get so frustrated at little things - some things really don't matter anymore and others seem to get to me even more than they did before. I get really frustrated at people who text to ask how I am and then ignore my response. I don't expect words of wisdom. I'd just rather people didn't ask in the first place. It is nice to be asked but when there's no acknowledgment of the response it kind of takes away any sincerity they may have had in asking. It gives me a fear of answering honestly. I think I'm hypersensitive right now and I have to keep reminding myself that the reason life sucks isn't because people don't text back but because Ems is gone. I just hate it. I was never one to get upset by these things. The loneliness isn't something that texts/emails back will cure anyway.

I look for lumps hoping that I'll find one. When I have a headache or get a cold I hope the symptoms may actually be a sign of something way more sinister. I just don't want to be here.

Don't go thinking I'm suicidal. I know my times are not my own to decide, just like Ems' times weren't his. I'm actually jealous of him right now - the fact he was gone in an instant, ready for the next world and thrust into heaven without a chance to think about the fact he was on his way there - no more tears for him. Ever.

I am glad it's him and not me because I always hated the thought of him suffering and wouldn't want him to endure this instead of me (I think you call that love!). I do love that he's full of life and free of all pain right now, consumed with endless joy and freedom. But, boy I can't wait for the day when I get to join him. I don't know what day that will be but I'm ready. I am sorted with God and when that moment comes I will be there in an instant. I can't wait.

Till then, I have (note that this is obligation not choice) to find some way of living with this. It's not going to go away and so I have to find a way to live with loss and pain being a very part of me.

I'm not sure what Paul meant when he wrote 'to live is Christ. to die is gain' but I can see that in my experience.
'to live is Christ...' - God is all I have to help me live right now. He is the only reason I live. Family, friends, places, memories, can bring me nice moments, some distractions, but it is only God that can give me purpose, strength, peace and hope that is permanent; that can bring change.
'To die is gain...' - that bit I really like. The day I die is what will make this life worth living. Heaven awaits for me and there I will have it all. That will be better than anything I have ever had. Ems has it better than he ever had it on earth, even in our very best moments. Understatement. For the believer who dies, it's not the end, it's just the beginning.

Oh Ems, what a void you have left. How perfect it was. How wonderful you were. You can't hear this but I love you.

Another night has come and yet everything around me is night right now anyway.

A glimmer. I see a glimmer from the bright light on the horizon that I'll one day experience for myself. Then all night will end. Right now it's just a glimmer but the light will win.
It has for Ems and it will for me.

Darkness, you may be my constant companion right now but you will not win. You will not win.

[Memory #13 The "You are my sunshine" episode
Ems & I had so few quarrels that I can remember them and can count them before I run out of fingers. On Good Friday 2008 we had marked the day as an 'Ems & Ruthie day' in our diaries. These were days when we spent time we'd set aside for just the 2 of us. Unfortunately on this day, the pressure we'd both put on the day to be perfect because it was long awaited 'quality time', created tension straight away when a little misunderstanding occured in the first 10 minutes of the journey up to the Preseli Mountains. I had a tendency to 'go quiet' when I'm upset (I soon learned) and Ems wasn't a mind reader so by the time we reached the peak we weren't talking to one another and neither of us really knew why. Fortunately, neither of us liked falling out and so a short heated discussion later (that's not an understatement - neither of us were shouters!), and we both knew what was wrong and realised it wasn't actually a very big deal. We made up quickly. As we made our way to our next destination the song 'you are my sunshine' came on the radio. I can't remember which one of us started singing it first but we both sung out the chorus, and I wrapped my arm around him as he drove through the country lanes. I remember us both realising for the first time that the last verse of the song is actually sad and refusing to sing it but we sung the chorus with gusto 'you are my sunshine. my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away'. He did know how much I loved him though, as I knew how much he loved me, and neither of us liked any moments that threatened to take away that sunshine.]