A birthday song

Because it's his birthday.

Because I love him every bit as much as if he were here to celebrate it with me.

Because I'll always be so proud of him and everything he was and did.

Because despite not having written recently, this journey of remembering is still simultaneously both vividly beautiful and painstaking, and I love to remember.

I may not be able to treat him today but I'm going to treat you instead.

A few weeks ago I discovered a case belonging to Ems with some home recorded CDs in it. Not knowing if they were audio or digital I tried putting one, simply labelled '19/05/07', in the car's stereo only to hear his lovely, familiar voice singing a song I'd never heard before.

Having since played it to both of his bandmates, his friends Dom and Rhodri who together with him made up Haybarns on Fire *, neither of them had heard it before either.

Never mind Mastercard ads, THIS is priceless!

Ems would regularly record song ideas to later develop and introduce to the guys. Vocals, guitar and drums all by Ems, this was a song recorded that would be hidden for our ears to discover over four years later.

It may or may not be your style of music. You may or may not already be familiar with this incredible man. Either way, take a moment to listen and as you do remember never to underestimate how much something you create may later come to bless others without you even knowing it.

May your name and life shine with bright light, just like his continues to.

Feel free to watch this in 'YouTube' and to like / comment there.

* Incidentally Dom and Rhodri now, with their friend Aled, form the band Conductors

Suddenly

Sometimes it just really really hurts.

I can be sitting, coping for a moment, sometimes even for a little while, and then suddenly...Boom, here it comes again. Grief. Loss. Sadness. Pain. I'm relatively 'ok' for a moment and then it hits me all over again. He's gone.

I can look back. I can look back and see perfection. I can look back and see blessing. I can look back and see how completely amazing the times and relationship I shared with Ems were. I can look back and smile now. Yes many things still trigger and set me off but I can't find any fault in what we had and never will, Ems still brings me love through the memories. I have immense gratitude for that.

The future is empty right now. The dreams and plans died with Ems, so did the excitement. Heaven (which is exciting!) awaits one day. But until then...? Only God knows.

The present is what I have to cope with. That's all I'm asked to cope with. I feel weak. It's crazy to not have my lovely Ems here to work through every decision with, to plan our future. Every part of me just wants to say 'ok, that's enough, come back now'. But he can't. Neither would he want to. My faith carries me through the present, it takes me beyond what I can think or imagine or see. Peace.

When a precious life is stolen from you. Grief comes in and steals your own.

Not all sudden moments are bad though. Earlier this evening I suddenly had an image of Ems in my mind. It wasn't an image from a photo I have of him but a very real image of how he looked; how he was when he was right infront of me. He was wrapped up warm in his red coat, just like when we'd go out for a walk, curls messy from being underneath his hat. It a very real memory of him rather than a memory of a photo of him. I hadn't been trying to get an image of him in my mind, it just suddenly came. I was talking about him and suddenly there he was in my mindseye. It was very real and it was a nice moment.

One of the scariest things about the future is the fear of forgetting him.

I can't imagine this throbbing heart of mine will let me though. He'll be in it forever.

[Memory #11 the "walking and talking" episodes

It's little surprise really that the image of Ems, wrapped up for a walk, came to my mind earlier. Ems & I loved nothing more than some quality time walking and talking together. Whether summer or winter, so long as it was dry we'd get out & about whether it was for half an hour after work or for a whole Saturday's trek.
Just us and the great outdoors. It made for such quality time together. I can remember so many heart to hearts while exploring the Welsh countryside. I can also remember times when we were just exceptionally silly together. Either way, they were times when we enjoyed time together, more and more and more; and got to know one another, better and better and better.

Every time the sun comes out I know we'd have been heading out for a stroll if he was here.]