I should really stop beginning my blog entries with explanations or apologies about the gap in time since the last one.The last few weeks have given me plenty of opportunity to blog. I haven't though.
There was Easter weekend. The most significant weekend in the Christian calendar. The celebrations of which provide me with amazing hope in things unseen. That aside, Easter weekend was always an immense weekend with Ems too. 4 whole days off in a row. 1 for family. 1 for friends. 1 for church. 1 for us. I have some amazing memories from Easter weekends. So much quality time provided us with many phenomenal moments.
One of my favourite days of all time was spent last Easter Monday (2009). Ems and I had no set plans and just spent the day going from place to place as the wind took us. It turned into one of the best days. Kite flying, walking, exploring the neighbourhood near our house to be (we'd had our offer accepted), food, coffees, relaxing, talking, really talking. It was amazing.
4 days off. Always time for 'us'. I dreaded this Easter weekend and its length. I tried to find things to do on each of the days so that I could attempt to pretend he wasn't missing for a moment. As expected, the weekend was incredibly tough because there is just no getting away from the fact he is missing. Doing the same things, seeing the same people, but he's not there.
And the celebrations? They were even more important to me than ever, I was even more grateful for the gift of eternal life, heaven is even more real now that Ems is there. But the celebrations weren't accompanied by a personal joy right now. Right now is pain and sadness. I guess even when there isn't joy, at least there's hope. I'm beginning to realise how powerful hope really is. 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick'.
Then there was my birthday. This was another big 'first' to get over. Again, no celebrations. Family and friends showered me in their love and kindness but the one whose wishes I most wanted showered on me wasn't there. I'd asked that there be no fuss. I thanked God it fell on a Sunday so I could fill it with routine. I was dreading it and it's over with. God helped me through it somehow.
Perhaps the craziest thing about it was that I'm now 28. I always had a feeling that 27 was going to be a significant, life-changing year. I didn't know what. I didn't know how. I just knew it would be massive. When I met and then got engaged to Ems, I presumed the significance was positive - our wedding, and it was - massively significant and life-changing. Little did I know that his death would follow within that year. That too was painfully significant and enormously life-changing. 27 was a massive year - beyond anything I could have imagined. My best and my worst. I don't want to live a mediocre nothing life by any means but I certainly hope I don't get another year like that. 28 it is. It's not a new start, it's a continuation. I'm still here. He's still gone. Another year away from my entrance to this world. Another year closer to my exit from it.
Easter. Birthday. What else?
I'm in talks with occupational health to get a 'back to work' plan sorted. It's terrifying but essential. I'm hoping to be back on phased return in a few weeks. I am petrified though. Returning to something that hasn't changed when I have changed so much. Life as I knew it but not as I know it.
The general election looms. There's a lot of noise. I'm undecided.
Facebook on the other hand is remarkably silent about something I'm not so undecided about. I'm trying to get in contact with Facebook who have taken it upon themselves to delete Ems name from my page without any contact with me. Facebook aren't very good at relationships it seems. Not only do they apparently think they have the power to decide when someone is no longer your husband all of a sudden but they also appear to have the inability to respond to any (3 so far) emails that you send them. I hope this gets noticed. It's inhuman.
And then there's this volcano. I have to say that in a world which is so busy with its own business, in a country where politicians are fighting to be the next UK superpower, I'm glad it has taken something far more powerful to make us stop for a moment. Well done Eyjafjallajokull (the Icelandic volcano in case you haven't noticed by now) and your ash clouds. I am sorry for those who have been in critical situations because the airways were closed (those waiting to travel for life-saving operations, etc). But outside of those people, I'm glad that we've all had a chance to realise how small we really are, how it's really not just about us.
Because how often do we really stop and think about it?
[Memory #15 the "romantic stroll" episode
Talking about Easter weekends together took me back to the first one Ems and I shared. It was as full as any other and on the Sunday we both went back to his parents farm for lunch after church. Once lunch was over Ems suggested we go for a walk, as we often did, up on the fields around the farm. As we got to the highest point, the sun was shining brightly from behind the cloud, the Jack Russell terriers were running ahead, and it was what seemed a lovely moment, a romantic stroll between 2 people in love. Then, all of a sudden, Ems knocked my legs from behind and I was flat on my back in the mud before I even knew what was happening - in case you're wondering it WAS intentional! I can clearly remember him standing over me, double bent with laughter at the trick he'd just pulled. In total disbelief, I too was soon laughing hysterically with him.
I remember Ems telling me early on "I'm not a romantic". Perhaps he wasn't in terms of the idyllic scene we see in the films, but in terms of coming out with the unexpected and giving us opportunities to truly laugh together, the romance overflowed...even if it did result in hair caked in mud and the need to change! I think I'd prefer Ems version of romance any day.]