I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Celebrations - another crazy day

Celebrating together on our wedding day. June 27th 2009

It's 12:50am. I have work in the morning. I was going to go straight to bed. But I just had to blog quickly before I retire and attempt to sleep.

Today has been another crazy day in this journey I'm travelling. Another day with completely new challenges to face, situations to encounter, things to experience. Yet today has been a crazy day of a different kind.

I've spent the day literally riddled with nerves. Wondering what tonight would hold. Worrying about how I'd be and whether I'd be able to hold myself in a sea of new faces.

I put make-up on this evening for the first time since the memorial gig. I have worn make up three times since Ems died. Once for his funeral. Once for his memorial gig. Both times for Ems, representing him as his wife, not wanting to meet his friends and not be at my best, just like I would've if it had been him introducing me to them.

Tonight was a similar affair and yet not. Please don't think I'm advocating a need to wear makeup to be at your best. Being at your best is most definitely a matter of all things internal. But this evening I had the confidence to wear make up again, to represent Ems, to be there as his girl; this time to a world of people who knew neither of us.

Tonight has only happened because of Ems. Because of the incredibly powerful and overwhelmingly life-changing love story we shared. Tonight has only happened because Ems died. Because the rug was pulled out from under my feet, leaving the bare but strong rock, yet shaking me to the core all the same. Tonight has only happened because I was lead to write about the insanely challenging meeting of these two parts.

Tonight I've won awards for 'Best writing in a blog' AND 'Best Blog' at the Wales Blog Awards!

I am still completely shell shocked and will be for some time.

But tonight, for the first time since Ems died, I have been genuinely pleased. I am genuinely pleased and excited about the light that can come out of the darkest of experiences.

This is by no means the end of my journey. I know that the happiness and excitement that has been experienced tonight is only true because of the deeper sense of purpose that goes along with it.

The happiness will turn to tears of sadness once more; the excitement will be engulfed in desperation. But they will in turn be back. And all the while, my eyes knowingly wandering for glimmers of the bigger picture, the sense of purpose will remain. And so long as we know purpose, we can know fulfilment whether in light or dark, happiness or sadness.

Thank you to those that organised tonight's awards. Thank you to the judges. Thank you (and well done) to my fellow nominees who have written excellent blogs (The Chocolate Takeaway, Journal of Plastik, Two Passports, The Nutpress). Thank you to the lovely people I've met and shared this evening with. Thank you to everyone who has read and followed this blog. Thank you to friends who've supported, encouraged and carried me through. Thank you to Ems for letting me love you and for your incredible love that will always touch my life and fill my heart. Thank you to God for the ability to write, for your hope and inspiration, and the strength to make it through one day at a time.

This is by no means the end. This is all part of the journey, the7journey, and I hope you'll continue to follow.

'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts' Isa 55:8&9

I'm not going to write out a particular memory of Ems tonight but as I've driven home I've remembered clearly the wonderful feeling of sharing achievements with him. I know, I really know, how proud he'd be of me, and how chuffed he'd be with me right now, his Ruthie. I am so sad that he's not here to share it, but I'm so pleased that he's a part of it, and whatever steps lay ahead of me, he always will be.


  1. Well done Ruth! Wish it was unnecessary and it was an honour to nominate you.

    Denis Campbell

  2. Thank you so much. I am still absolutely stunned!

  3. Congratulations !!

    Llongyfarchiadau !!

  4. Ruthie

    Many congratulations on winning the awards. I read about your success on the BBC website and I've just completed reading your blog from beginning to end.

    Your words ring true in so many ways for me. Whilst I am not a widower I have witnessed the sudden loss of my sister at 30 years of age and the subsequent death of my father just 2 years later.

    There is no right path for grieving, trust your inner self and whilst at times you will feel helpless, be safe in the knowledge that one day you will be at peace again.

  5. Hi Ruthie,

    I don't know you and you don't know me but I came across your story on the BBC website and it is quite clear that you are an amazing person. I am a true believer that when loved ones are taken from us, their spirit lives on through us and I know Ems is still with you in everything you do from this point forward. There is one thing for sure…he will want you to live a full and happy life. Be comforted that he will always be with you and carry on doing amazing things!!

    With heartfelt thoughts,

    Tim x

  6. Ruthie

    I came across your blog this morning after reading your story on the BBC website. I just wanted to let you know how inspirational your blog is.

    Out of such a difficult and tragic circustances, your bravery and courage in sharing such a personal emotional journey is truly inspiring.

    After loosing a close family member, I too felt the need to express my emotions through the written word. Whilst much of my work remains private, it had a huge influence on helping me come to terms with my loss, the strong and overwhelming emotions, as well as reliving and sharing the beautiful memories.

    I know that so many people will take great comfort in your words, whether they are just passing through or as regular readers. As Em is looking down on you today, I'm sure he will be proud of you today and always.

  7. Matt, Tim & Anonymous, thank you sincerely for taking the time out to comment and for the encouragement you have graciously displayed. I am glad that you have found inspiration as you've read these posts, that they have touched you in some way, & am grateful that you've shared as such. I pray that you too will find comfort and peace in the loss of your loved ones & that God blesses you as you encourage others. Thank you for taking the time out to read. Love Ruthie x