I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Not just for Christmas

I am stuffed from Mum's amazing Christmas Dinner (yes, we eat it on Christmas Eve these days), all sung out of carols, and I've just heard that my sister's little people are sound asleep & Santa's already been to their house, as I quietly wrap a final few gifts for my amazing family (last minute as ever). 

Christmas is a funny one, this year a little easier than previous ones I'll admit, but I know we are not the only family aware that Christmas doesn't mean an absence of all trouble. In fact, for some this Christmas will highlight your griefs more than any other time of year. 

So to everyone, whether alone or surrounded, whatever your circumstance, I wish you well this Christmas. 

I wish the lonely the unending love of Christmas, the hurting the miraculous peace of Christmas, the broken the prevailing hope of Christmas, & you all the deep joy of Christmas which doesn't depend on circumstance. 

I have a multitude of unwrapped gifts from generous friends under my tree. Right now I don't care what's inside them, I am just so very grateful for the people in my life, near & far, on earth & in heaven, who are definitely not just for Christmas. 

God bless you this Christmas x 

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

In yet not in

Sometimes, if I'm totally honest, I get scared that if he's not in my social media profile photos, I'm suggesting he's not a part of me; if I forget to put his wedding ring on my right thumb in the morning, I'm neglecting him; If I can sing along to a song that once brought pain, my heart is forgetting.

But there's no getting away from whatever face I have on, whatever I wear, however much I sing or laugh or talk, he is a very part of me. His love has made me who I am, and the strength I never had but now know is not a sign of forgetting, but of learning to live with him being in but not in my life.

It's not leaving behind, it's stepping forward differently. 

Sometimes love in action is impossible but it never dies in your heart.

7 years ago tomorrow Ems asked me out one highly exciting lunch hour.

The 17th.

Now 7 years.

Another 7.

A life changing 7.

"I've got something to tell you..." he said.
And now, I have so much to tell him.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014


There's a celebration, a twinkling of the lights. 

Your name, 
your influence, 
is shining brightly. 

30's here. 

That unofficial checkpoint.

You had wondered where you'd be standing now. 

Would you be married?
Career focused?
With a house and flashy car?
Would there be kids there? 
Would you be known there?

Would you have made it? 

Your light shines on brightly. 
Your influence lingers inspiringly, beautifully, poignantly. 
Your celebrations cannot be imagined by your would-have-been guests. 

Did you make it?

You truly made it.
You blew all expectation away. 
Not 6ft under but skies above. 

30 doesn't matter now. 
You have loved and you are loved. 

And we celebrate wonderful you. 


Happy 30th birthday sweet hubbie. 

The world has known of wonderful you for 30 years, and while we remember you here, somewhere just out of our reach you celebrate where age is irrelevant. 

Love you to eternity my darling, with all my heart. 

Always and forever. X