I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.

Friday, 8 January 2010

From the start

I never wanted to write this blog. I want to write this blog.

Had I been given this subject to cover 2 months ago, I’d have turned it down in an instant. It’s not something I ever desired to write because losing my husband was my greatest fear in life. The fear, however, became reality, and in losing him, in feeling all I feel, remembering all I remember, believing all I believe, fighting through all I am fighting through, I want to write. I want the world [a.k.a. those who take the time to stop and read this] to hear.

I’m a private person in many ways, but if there be any strength that another who is weak can take away, any hope that another in despair may see a glimmer of, any light that one in the dark can use to light their way, then let my story be shouted from the rooftops. Let the lamp come out from its dusty hiding place.

Ems was the most wonderful, beautiful man I could have asked to spend my life with. I was blessed beyond measure in just knowing him, ecstatic at being his girl. Life though it wasn't to be (for me at least). We had just 2 years; they were 2 phenomenal years.

Our story was one of the fullest, most powerful, wonderful, beautiful love stories possible (you’ll see glimpses as my blog entries continue). We daily thanked God for our story.

Yet 5 months from those sacred words ‘…till death do us part’, death did just that, it parted us. Suddenly and tragically. I still daily thank God for our story.

I am only at the beginning of my difficult story and I don't know how it's going to go. Ems left for heaven under 6 weeks ago and it is, beyond comparison, the most painful time of my life. It is also a time when I have known peace beyond understanding.

We always journeyed together and now I find myself behind.
He is in heaven. I am heaven-bound but still very much on earth.
He is gone from this earth but his memory is still here; his life is still enfolded with mine; and his story will still unfold in my experience. To some extent, this is still 'our story', I’m just doing it alone now. He was the lead role in many key chapters of my story. What chapters evolve from here, only time will tell.

As I write these entries I will remember the look in his eyes and I promise to be honest, just like he was (brutally at times*).
When I cry, you’ll hear my tears.
When I smile, you’ll see my teeth.
When I stop, you’ll catch your breath.
When I start to run again, you’d better keep up.
Follow me…

Memory #1 “the sauce was a bit tasteless” episode
That was Ems’ honest and classic response to my asking him for his thoughts after I first cooked for him (along with about 20 others). It left me speechless. He then added sincerely (in consolation?) “I guess that’s why you put the salt and pepper out though”.
It may sound rude to those who didn't know Ems but he was a truly gentle soul, never wishing to offend. His honesty was endearing and this world is in want of more honesty like his.]


  1. Beutiful Ruth. This courageous and inspiring. Your in my thoughts xxx

  2. Ruth, you truly are an inspiration and even through your pain, the peace and love of Jesus is shining through. It will be a privilege to follow you in this brave journey and I look forward to reading more about you and Ems.

    It’s an incredible idea to document this time in your life and I pray that the process brings healing in unexpected ways. God Bless.
    N Kearney x

  3. simply beautiful words, and truly heartfelt. you are an absolute inspiration ruthie, and i'm proud to get to say that i know you :) x

  4. Thank you for taking/sharing your journey.
    Thank you.
    R x

  5. Ruth,
    I just wanted to say that it so wonderful that your keeping these memories alive. I will enjoy reading more of your stories about Ems, I'm sure they bring a smile to everyone.
    All my love,
    Andrea x

  6. Ruth,
    I cant find the words to tell you how your words give me strength. I trust that the lord will continue to guide you and keep you safe, and cherish the love of Ems who will always be with you,

    Jackie xxx

  7. Ruth,

    I went to school with Ems & stumbled on your log today. It's such a beautiful memory for such a beatiful person. Emrys was one of the very few people that was very kind to me in school. Such a gifted person and such a tragedy that he was taken far to soon. I wish you all the luck in the world and send you my love.
    Best Wishes,
    Leanne Walker

  8. Thank you everybody,

    For those who messaged at the start - thank you, you encouraged and inspired me to continue. Lots of love x

    Jackie, thank you for the encouragement & prayer. God bless you x

    Leanne - that sounds exactly like my Ems. He was a beautiful man and always quick to defend those who seemed defenceless. I'm glad that he left such a powerful memory with you. Praying his story still touches lives through this blog. Thank you for sharing & for your love xxx