It's raining outside and it sure is raining inside.
I guess the thing about taking baby steps is that you can fall down on your bum. It's better than continuously crawling around on the floor but the fall back down hits hard.
This time last year I'd never have realised what an achievement cooking for friends, planning to go to work, thinking about decorating the house, or maintaining conversation could be. They were all simply aspects of my life that were normal or even enjoyable. Oh so different now. The weird thing is they don't even look like achievements to anyone else while I know in my heart how much of a struggle is going on inside me to get these things off the ground.
I was screaming inside last night 'what are you doing God?'
I wasn't looking for an answer. It isn't even for me to know the answer.
It's not about what I do or don't deserve. One day beyond everything I can see, it will be about justice. But on that day, by amazing grace, I won't be surrounded by grey.
I guess I am missing Ems even more, not just with each new day as it creeps cruelly longer from the last time I saw him, but as I feel able to do a bit more, because all those things are things I want to share with him. All these things are things that he should be here to experience.
Everyone seems to be pregnant or having babies right now (congratulations to those that are) . Whereas some of our dreams were personal or unique to Ems and I though, having children is something that I will see many do. Each one not just reminding me that we'll never get to share that experience, but also reminding me of all those other dreams, personal and unique, that remain just that, dreams. Unfulfilled.
I know I'm not the only one with these unfulfilled dreams either. We seem to grow up thinking we have certain 'rights of passage'. Anyone seen the 'John Lewis' advert? That's how life's supposed to be huh? We get so sucked in. We have a right to it, don't we?
I know I'm not the only one who knows otherwise.
This walk seems so cruel and lonely. I don't know 'why me?'. I don't know why I have to look around and see the things we should or could be doing while I'm wondering about sorting through his belongings or writing a blog to his memory.
I can see all about me that many seem to suffer undeservingly and others who seem puffed up with pride seem to get all they want. I guess that's why the 'unseen' is so important. Not only do I need to focus on the unseen, knowing one day, all this will work out justly, but to know that there are great things we cannot see that can be ours when we stop looking at those things we can see that we don't and never will have.
It really isn't easy.
I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.