Sweetheart

The rain is relentlessly hammering down against the roof.

Relentless. This grief seems relentless.

There are never moments when it isn't there. With each new day I still feel so much heavier than I used to. But there are days when that load feels slightly more bearable, where the light breaks through a little more than usual, where the emotional muscle ache isn't quite so overwhelming - even if it's just because I'm numb.

Today though, it feels relentless. Today is a relentless day.

There are some better days but there are others when the load seems too heavy; weeks when the darkness hovers closer; moments when the ache doesn't fade at all.

I am surrounded by love. The memories of Ems' love engulf me at times, bringing warmth to my soul as I recall our love with one another. I am still as crazily in love with that boy as the last time I saw him; as moved by his words as I was that last night as I read his last text message - 'ok my lovely sweetheart, I love you x'.

I regularly whisper 'sweetheart' as I look at his photo. The photos of Ems on my dashboard continuously remind me of journeys we took together. When I get in the car I love seeing those photos.

Sometimes I warmly whisper 'sweetheart' at his smiling, loving face - the natural reaction to the sight of the man I love. Other times, I cry 'sweetheart' in desperation, yearning for him, desperate for him, frustrated at taking another journey without him. My prayer life follows the same pattern - love, gratitude and desperation.

I remember the love and feel tender. I remember the loss, the great ever-deepening loss, and I yearn. There is no better word for it. I yearn for him; for my sweetheart.

Today is a relentless day. Today is a day where I'll utter 'sweetheart' in pure desperation. I have driven his car, frustrated that he isn't in it. I have met with our friends, painfully aware that he 'should' be a part of it. I have trawled through the loneliness, needing just his hand to take it all away, yet knowing it won't ever reach out to me again this side of heaven.

I can't wait to see him again one day. And till then, whether softly wistful or in aching desperation, I will never fail to whisper 'sweetheart'.

Suddenly

Sometimes it just really really hurts.

I can be sitting, coping for a moment, sometimes even for a little while, and then suddenly...Boom, here it comes again. Grief. Loss. Sadness. Pain. I'm relatively 'ok' for a moment and then it hits me all over again. He's gone.

I can look back. I can look back and see perfection. I can look back and see blessing. I can look back and see how completely amazing the times and relationship I shared with Ems were. I can look back and smile now. Yes many things still trigger and set me off but I can't find any fault in what we had and never will, Ems still brings me love through the memories. I have immense gratitude for that.

The future is empty right now. The dreams and plans died with Ems, so did the excitement. Heaven (which is exciting!) awaits one day. But until then...? Only God knows.

The present is what I have to cope with. That's all I'm asked to cope with. I feel weak. It's crazy to not have my lovely Ems here to work through every decision with, to plan our future. Every part of me just wants to say 'ok, that's enough, come back now'. But he can't. Neither would he want to. My faith carries me through the present, it takes me beyond what I can think or imagine or see. Peace.

When a precious life is stolen from you. Grief comes in and steals your own.

Not all sudden moments are bad though. Earlier this evening I suddenly had an image of Ems in my mind. It wasn't an image from a photo I have of him but a very real image of how he looked; how he was when he was right infront of me. He was wrapped up warm in his red coat, just like when we'd go out for a walk, curls messy from being underneath his hat. It a very real memory of him rather than a memory of a photo of him. I hadn't been trying to get an image of him in my mind, it just suddenly came. I was talking about him and suddenly there he was in my mindseye. It was very real and it was a nice moment.

One of the scariest things about the future is the fear of forgetting him.

I can't imagine this throbbing heart of mine will let me though. He'll be in it forever.

[Memory #11 the "walking and talking" episodes

It's little surprise really that the image of Ems, wrapped up for a walk, came to my mind earlier. Ems & I loved nothing more than some quality time walking and talking together. Whether summer or winter, so long as it was dry we'd get out & about whether it was for half an hour after work or for a whole Saturday's trek.
Just us and the great outdoors. It made for such quality time together. I can remember so many heart to hearts while exploring the Welsh countryside. I can also remember times when we were just exceptionally silly together. Either way, they were times when we enjoyed time together, more and more and more; and got to know one another, better and better and better.

Every time the sun comes out I know we'd have been heading out for a stroll if he was here.]