I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.

Sunday, 24 January 2010


I've battled with whether to post on the subject I'm about to write about.

It has been the big question in my mind since Ems died, perhaps on your minds too.

The question. How Ems died.

Death isn't questionable. We'll all experience it one day and what lies beyond it. What has been questioned in my lovely boy's case is not the means of death but the cause of it.

I want to be sensitive in how I broach this subject because it is a sensitive subject. I know that full well having lived and experienced it for almost 2 months now.

Why is now the time to write about it? We had the inquest into Ems death on Thursday. Everything is now out in the open and finally we can stop asking questions and know what happened the night he died.

The verdict of the inquest: Ems' death was an accident.
The verdict of my heart and soul: Ems' death was an accident.

Why didn't I know this before?

Ems left this world for the next when a train hit him on the 30th November. That was the means of death.

At the time this was all we knew, along with the fact that Ems suffered with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This meant that for the first 5 weeks, it was assumed he'd taken his own life.

Most of you will fortunately not be able to imagine the horror of this. For those that can, I am sorry. I know how devastating it is.

From early on I knew that Ems had made no plans to take his life, that it would have been a momentary thing, that he was fine the last time I saw him (2 hours earlier) and that it would have been under the influence of the severe depression that could plague him from his SADs. Nothing could sway me on these facts.

However, as time went on and the coroner's officer conducted more research, facts emerged that raised the possibility that Ems' death could have been an accident.

Just under 8 weeks after his death, the facts presented at the inquest found it to be an accident. Information we had no idea of at the start proved critical.

To keep it simple, Ems had made his way across the line to a sewage works that was situated along side the line. This sewage works was one he was due to be responsible for redesigning in the coming month (he was a mechanical design engineer). It was on his way back across the line that he'd been hit by the train and made an attempt at diving out the way.


Some things we never know the truth about. With others, just because we think there isn't more to know out there, doesn't mean there isn't.

I was convinced Ems' death would remain 'open verdict' in my mind till I left for heaven myself. At the start of the week I'd simply prayed that if I 'needed' to know, one way or the other, that it would be revealed somehow.

The questions that I'd had when I heard about his death suddenly made sense. It was an accident. He had no way of knowing what was ahead so of course he'd been fine when I last saw him. We didn't know anything about the sewage works at the start which of course gave the reasons for his death being where it was. It doesn't make the fact he's gone any easier, but it's one less question to worry over; a big question at that.

He was keen to get back to work and checking out the works on that full moon lit night would have actually left him feeling pretty good, having made constructive use of his time.

Ems didn't have more than a couple of seconds to know he was on the way to his death. It was a good job he was prepared.

Jesus once said 'You will know the truth and the truth will set you free'.

I think He was getting at something bigger than just situations like this, but the statement is nevertheless true whatever you know or think about Him.

Knowing the truth about something can set you free.
It can be painful sometimes and yet set you free from something infinitely more painful.

Other times knowing the truth brings freedom with solely positive benefits.

Some unanswered questions are also made bearable by the fact other things are set in stone.

Jesus described Himself as 'the truth'.

Ems knew the Truth. As a result, Ems knew who he was. He was free to be that person. Ems is now completely free.

For the questions you have that you don't have answers to, may you know the truth that leads to freedom. Where the truth cannot be found, may you know peace.

[Memory #6 The "hide and seek" episode
Ems always was full of surprises.
Friends know that it doesn't take much to make me jump. This 'low jump threshold' seems to lower even further as the night draws in and it gets dark outside.
I remember getting ready for Ems to pick me up one night. My parents were out and I was in the bathroom upstairs, beautifying myself for my beloved's arrival.
I thought I heard a car arrive but listened out for the door and heard nothing. The house was completely silent. A few minutes later I thought I'd better check and went to my bedroom (at the front of the house) to see if Ems' car was in fact there. I looked as far right as I could in front of the house but could see nothing. It was dark and there was no sign of any light.
I spent about 5 more minutes upstairs before heading downstairs to await his arrival. I switched a light on as I got to the bottom of the stairs but the area beyond it (near the front door) was dark.
As I walked forward, thinking myself to be all alone, all of sudden a loud roar sounded as Ems jumped out from behind an armchair. It scared me witless and I screamed my girliest ever scream - I have never jumped so much in all my life! Ems couldn't stop laughing while I genuinely thought my heart had stopped!
After I beat his chest a few times saying "don't you ever do that again" (he was still laughing), I started laughing too. Slowly I realised my fears which had caused me to jump in the first place were unfounded. It was only my lovely Ems, no one out to harm me.
In fact he almost got away with looking like the hero as he held me tight until my heart reached a normal rhythm again!
He used to laugh every time I repeated that story.]

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I unfortunately have been in exactly the same position. Suicide is incredibly difficult to deal with and like you I started to write a blog to help get my feelings out healthy.

    I truly wish you luck in the future and I would be interested if you wish to get in contact.