I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Brokenhearts and silly games

I've been putting off writing a new post till I felt a bit better, till I was having a 'good' day and could write something inspiring. The reality is that as the last few days have ticked away, I don't feel any better but I don't want to stop writing.

My mind is running through so many wonderful memories of Ems and at the same time trying to reconcile them with the fact he isn't here anymore. None of it makes sense to my mind.

Ems is still as much a part of me as he was the last time I saw him. I still say 'we' when I'm talking about things; I still consider what he'd like before I do anything; I still want to sign his name on any cards I write. I still love him with everything I am.

It's just over 2 months in now. While it feels like forever, it is only 2 months.

I was speaking with his best friend the other day and he said that it felt as though everyone else could 'just move on now'.

For some of us, it is with us all the time.

Many can. Many weren't half so close to Ems as others. For many Ems was an acquaintance, perhaps even a role model, perhaps a mate. He was an amazing guy and so they are sincerely sad at his passing, they will remember the laughs, but their lives haven't changed.

For others it won't be so easy. To others Ems was a son, a brother, or one of their best friends. Ems has gone and life has changed.

For me, Ems was my husband, my best friend, my 'other half', a very part of me. I cannot even begin to imagine what moving on even is yet. Just what am I moving on to when Ems was such a permanent part of my life before and all our plans and dreams were combined? EVERYTHING is different now.

I have discovered what a broken heart really means. For the first few weeks after Ems died, every time I woke my heart physically ached. I couldn't move for a few minutes each morning as my body tried to deal with the pain.

Oh how I wish the broken heart could heal itself emotionally in just a few minutes each morning.

Some misunderstand grief as something which gets easier with each new day. The calls and visits stop. People mistake my ability to conduct a normal conversation for me being 'OK'.

Truth is, it is as hard now as it has ever been in the 2 months since Ems died. It doesn't mean I haven't smiled at times. I just miss him more than ever and it hurts. Of course it hurts.

I still love him wholeheartedly. I always will.

I may never reconcile all the amazing memories I have of my time with Ems with the fact he's gone; the perfection and blessing we knew together in contrast to the way I feel right now.

I am learning to accept the fact that I will always miss him.
Of course I will because I will always love him.
Ems will always be a part of me.
A part of me will always be missing.

This broken heart will likely not heal completely this side of Heaven but I know that God is close to the brokenhearted. For that I am exceedingly grateful because this broken heart just can't do it alone.

[Memory #8 the "rock, paper, scissors" episode
Ems and I went out for one of our Sunday afternoon walks last November and in a quiet moment I decided to challenge him to a game of 'rock, paper, scissors'. At first he resisted, perhaps thinking it a bit daft, but once I suggested that it was because he was scared I might beat him like I had at 'thumb wars', he succumbed!
To my horror Ems beat me three times in a row as we started the game. He laughed and teased, suddenly enjoying the game. He should probably have stopped there.
Determined to beat him I challenged him to another round and we both ended up in fits of laughter as I gained the victory over him not just once but time after time after time. I think we stopped after about 15 rounds of me conquering his rock, paper, scissors with my paper, scissors, rock, one after another, because we were laughing too much with disbelief! As well as I knew him it wasn't like I could actually read his mind - well, at least not in games like this!]

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