I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Little big things

Right now it's the little things I struggle with. It's funny how details which were once just part of the routine now seem like such challenges. Getting dressed each morning becomes an achievement. We don't always appreciate the little things and yet it's amazing how significant they can become.

It's not just the big things that I miss about Ems, it's the little details that often come to mind...

Driving along and having him in the passenger seat.

Our little routine as he'd set up for dinner while I finished cooking.

The way he'd be planning the next day's lunch before we'd even finished dinner.

The way we'd play with one another's wedding rings while holding hands.

Having a music related pub quiz question that I know he'd have known the answer to.

Coming down in the morning to find he'd put me a cereal bowl out and poured me some juice.

Driving to and from work together.

The way we'd mess around (above photo illustrates one example).

The way we'd talk about even the silly little details of our day.

The little notes we'd leave for one another on the rare occasions we were apart.

His reassuring smiles.

The eye contact.

Wednesday nights being 'our night'.

Stripping wallpaper and demolishing wardrobes together.

Hearing him call me "wifey".

The way he'd hold me close when I was cold.

The fact he'd tell me how cute I looked when I was in my scruffiest 'round the house' clothes.

The way he'd always be the first into bed.

The way we'd always check if each other had a glass of water to take up to bed with us.

Praying together.

...And so so so much more.

To say I miss Ems is the most gross understatement possible. Everything has changed now that he has gone. Not even the little things stay the same. Getting dressed, eating, breathing become chores. Nothing on this earth holds the same joy it did when he was here to share it.

Because we shared the little things. They have now become the big things.
And we should never forget the little things.

Only a second?

Say that to the Winter Olympic Gold medallist who's just won by a second?
Or to the athlete who's been training for years and just missed out on a medal by the same amount of time.

Only a metre?

Say that to the guy who's just narrowly escaped a collision
or to the wife of the husband who didn't.

Only a few words?

Say that to the woman whose boyfriend just became her fiance when he got down on one knee and asked her to spend her life with him
or to the wife who's just been told her husband won't ever be coming home.

A lot can happen in a second. A few words can change your life forever. A metre can be the difference between winning or losing, life or death.

It may be only a day but sometimes things can happen which make it difficult to live through a single minute. It may be only a minute but you can still change someone's life with it.

From tiny acorns, mighty oaks grow.

Jesus once said that faith as small as a mustard seed could move a mountain.
Right now the little things may feel like mountains but I thank God for mustard seeds.
And for the little things we shared, because suddenly the memories of them are huge.

[Memory #12 the "comfy" episode
I could spend ages getting ready for an evening out with Ems and just have a simple compliment from him on my appearance. This didn't really bother me as he was always very complimentary in general.
One Sunday we'd come back from church and Ems was outside doing some jobs in the garden. I ran upstairs, changed into my oldest jeans and an old vest top, swept up my hair and got on with lunch. It was a hot summer's day. Ems came in to see if he could be of service and on seeing me absolutely beamed, wrapping me up in his arms and enthusiastically said "Aw, my little wifey looks so pretty and comfy".
From many people, the word 'comfy' could have been seen as some kind of masked insult, but Ems was genuine in his enthusiasm. The compliment always stands out in my mind. He was so enthusiastic and genuinely thrilled to see me look as I did. Relaxed. Perhaps it was because we were so relaxed with one another and that after all, was our home. Ems appreciated the little things in life. Diamonds and Gucci wouldn't have impressed him much at all but a wife who was completely at home with him was the most attractive thing to him in the world.
I was also cooking him dinner at the time - that would no doubt have added to the attraction!]

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