I've just spent the evening with a group of friends from church. These friends were people Ems and I would regularly hang out with together on a Friday night (usually at our house). It is strange to spend time with them and not have Ems there. Everything is strange without Ems here.
We got onto the subject of the first cassette or CD we'd ever bought, the first video or DVD, etc, and I know Ems would have had plenty to say on the subject of music, his first love (before I came along!).
The subject flowed on to music and films in general and the film 'The Matrix' was brought up. I commented on the fact that I couldn't remember what happened at the end of the last film in the trilogy and one of the guys summed it up. What he said, unknowingly to him, has given me something to think about...
He said that at the end of the last film the lead female dies, gets resurrected, then dies again. This makes the lead male realise that he can now go out and save the rest of them, something he wouldn't have done when his focus was on saving her, but now he's got nothing to lose.
I'm certainly not the lead female in a film but I'm the leading character in my life, just as you are in yours.
I have nothing to lose. I have lost the person that was most dear to me.
My greatest fear in life has been realised. My greatest fear was losing Ems. I have lost him.
Like the Matrix, there is still so much I don't understand, and much I don't need to.
People may misunderstand me, which can be painful, but nothing can hurt me like the hurt I am already feeling.
Pain and grief are constant companions right now (thankfully so are grace and peace) and I'm under no illusion that I'm going to go out there and save the world. I can though, like you, choose to make a difference to those I can, when I can.
Believe me, I am not trying to say that my greatest fear being realised is a positive thing. I am living through every reason that I feared losing Ems and it is worse than I could ever have imagined. What I'm realising is, with Ems gone, there isn't anything I'm clinging on to. My life on earth isn't precious to me anymore.
I can give everything, and know that nothing can hit me harder than the loss and pain I already know.
'He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose' Jim Elliot (a man who gave his life for his faith)
[Memory #9 The "love songs" episode
Ems had countless CDs, mini disks, cassettes, etc. He was the music man. The number of people who've told me it was him who introduced them to new bands, styles, genres, etc of music, is unbelievable. Ems didn't mind what genre so long as the music had something to it. Music was his passion and he loved to share it with others. With all that music you'd think he'd have every eventuality covered.
February 14th, 2008. Our first Valentines day as a couple. I remember it clearly. The moments, the gifts, the food, the wonderful company, the excitement about everything ahead.
We'd had a nice meal and Ems said what he'd really like to do is chill out together to some love songs. "The only thing is..." he began to explain, "...I don't actually own any"!
I guess that was one style of music that had escaped him up to then. It's funny what true love awakens in you.
Needless to say he didn't become a Celine Dion man but the Beach Boys' 'I love you' album certainly got played from time to time and I remember him grinning while belting out Sting's "Every little thing she does is magic" one precious car journey home.]
I once travelled happily alone. Then the most beautiful thing happened and suddenly I was half of two; two became one. But before I could start to document our life together, his life was tragically gone. My darling Ems is now in the bright lights of Heaven and I remain. This is the story of my journey from here. Gratefully a journey that One whose ways are above all of ours takes with me. One day I'll reach those bright lights for myself but until I do, join me on my journey, keeping memories close.